I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
