So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
