The maid of honor just puked.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
