oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
