I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
