I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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