im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dignity is for republicans.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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