No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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