Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
