After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
