I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
