woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
