i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
