Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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