I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
