Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize