If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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