So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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