I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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