I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
