i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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