got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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