smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I need water and some morals
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize