How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
