WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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