I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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