I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You can't special order awesome
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
