Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
