Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
