two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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