hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
