i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
