fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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