I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
