if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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