god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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