I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
