John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
