you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
