I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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