I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
