P.S. I can't hear my feet
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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