All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
