OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
