I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
