I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
