you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
