apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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