So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
