I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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