I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
