I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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