My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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