is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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